Sympathy Gift Etiquette for Chinese Families
Chinese traditional religion blends Confucian, Taoist, Buddhist, and folk beliefs, and gifting customs vary between mainland China, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Singapore, and Malaysia. What is constant is the quiet, practical purpose of a sympathy gift: to help the family carry the cost and weight of mourning, and to honour the deceased as they pass into the realm of ancestors.
Chinese traditional sympathy gift etiquette
The central gift at a Chinese traditional funeral is bai jin (白金), "white gold": condolence money placed in a plain white envelope and handed to a designated family member or placed in the tray at the entrance. The colour is the opposite of the red envelope used at weddings and Lunar New Year: white is the colour of mourning, and red is firmly reserved for celebration. A red envelope at a funeral would feel out of place, even shocking.
The amount given depends on your relationship to the family and on your means. In most regions an odd number is preferred (e.g. £30, £50, £70, £101), since even numbers are associated with paired blessings and joyful occasions. A small handful of regional traditions invert this, but if you are unsure, an odd number is the safer choice. The number four (四, sì) is avoided at any value because it sounds like death (死, sǐ): so never give £40, £400, or anything ending in four.
Beyond bai jin, the most welcome gifts are white floral wreaths or sprays (white chrysanthemums and lilies in particular), fruit baskets, and simple food offerings suitable for the family altar. Larger wreaths are usually ordered through a florist and arrive with a sash bearing the giver's name. Smaller offerings are brought in person. Across all of these, the unifying tone is restraint: nothing showy, nothing red, nothing that suggests celebration.
Appropriate gifts
Gestures that tend to land well with Chinese traditional families.
- A white envelope of bai jin (condolence money) handed to a family member at the entrance or placed in the condolence tray. An odd-number amount appropriate to your relationship is the standard.
- A funeral wreath in white and yellow, chrysanthemums, lilies, and white roses are traditional. Most florists offer a "condolence wreath" with a sash for your name.
- A simple fruit basket, oranges, apples, pomelos, and bananas are common. Avoid pears (see cautions). A basket arranged in muted colours suits the occasion.
- Modest food offerings appropriate for the altar, vegetarian buns, traditional pastries, or packaged sweets. These can be eaten at the family altar or shared with mourners.
- A donation in the name of the deceased to a temple, charity, or cause they cared about, increasingly welcomed in modern families and a respectful alternative when you cannot attend.
- A condolence card with a brief, formal message of sympathy, written by hand and addressed to the senior family member.
What to avoid sending
Items that may carry the wrong associations or feel out of step with the occasion.
- "I'll send a red envelope to brighten things up." — Red is the colour of joy, weddings, and the Lunar New Year. A red envelope at a funeral is a serious cultural misstep. Use a plain white envelope for bai jin.
- "A nice clock would be a thoughtful keepsake." — Giving a clock or watch (送鐘, sòng zhōng) sounds identical to "attending a funeral" (送終, sòng zhōng). It is one of the strongest taboos in Chinese gifting and is unwelcome at any time, but especially around a death.
- "How about a basket of pears?" — The Mandarin word for pear (梨, lí) sounds like the word for "to part" or "separate" (離, lí). Pears are avoided as gifts to bereaved families. Apples and oranges are safer fruit choices.
- "I'll round it up to £40." — Any amount including the number four is avoided. Four (四, sì) is a homophone for death (死, sǐ). Give £30, £50, or £101 rather than £40 or £44.
- "A nice set of knives or scissors might be useful." — Sharp objects symbolise the severing of relationships and are inappropriate at any gift-giving occasion in Chinese culture, and particularly so at a funeral.
- "A bright bouquet will cheer them up." — Bright multi-colour bouquets, especially with red flowers, read as celebratory. Stick to white and yellow arrangements designed for mourning.
Frequently asked questions
How much should I put in the bai jin envelope?
The amount depends on your closeness to the family and on local custom, but a few principles hold. Use an odd number (£30, £50, £70, £101 are common reference points). Avoid any figure containing four. Close friends and colleagues typically give in the £50–£150 range; more distant acquaintances £30–£50. If the family is well-known to you, a slightly higher amount is appropriate. The envelope itself should be plain white, with your name written on the back.
When should I deliver the gift?
Bai jin and condolence flowers are best brought to the wake (sou ling, 守靈). The vigil held over several evenings before the funeral. Hand the envelope to a family member at the entrance, or place it on the designated condolence tray. Wreaths usually arrive at the venue earlier in the day and are displayed near the altar. A fruit basket or food offering can be brought when you visit.
What flowers are appropriate for a Chinese funeral?
White and yellow chrysanthemums are the classic mourning flowers, followed by white lilies, white roses, and white orchids. Wreaths and standing sprays are more traditional than bouquets. Avoid red flowers entirely, and avoid mixed bright bouquets. Many Chinese-serving florists offer ready-made condolence arrangements that hit the right tone.
Why is the number four such a problem?
In Mandarin and Cantonese, the word for four (四, sì / sei) sounds very similar to the word for death (死, sǐ / sei). This homophone is so strong that many Chinese buildings have no fourth floor, and gifts of four items or amounts including four are avoided. At a funeral, the association is doubly unwelcome. Always round up or down to an odd number that excludes four.
Are donations in lieu of bai jin acceptable?
Increasingly, yes: particularly in modern, urban, and diaspora families. A donation to a temple, charity, or cause meaningful to the deceased, made in their name, is a respectful alternative when you cannot attend in person. If you do attend, however, bai jin is still expected; a donation is best made in addition rather than instead.
Last reviewed June 2026.
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