Sympathy Gift Etiquette for Tenrikyo Families
Tenrikyo families follow the broader Japanese tradition of kōden, condolence money presented in a special black-and-white envelope. This guide explains how kōden works, what amounts are customary, and which other gestures are welcomed by a grieving Tenrikyo family.
Tenrikyo sympathy gift etiquette
The central sympathy gesture in Japan, including for Tenrikyo families, is kōden: a gift of condolence money presented at the funeral. The money is placed in a special envelope known as a bushūgi-bukuro (literally "non-celebratory envelope"), tied with black-and-white or silver-and-white knotted cords, and handed to the receptionist at the funeral with both hands and a bow. It is often carried in a small cloth wrapper called a fukusa.
The amount of kōden depends on your relationship to the deceased. A guideline often used in Japan: roughly 5,000 yen for a colleague or acquaintance, 10,000 yen for a friend, and 30,000 yen or more for a close relative. Bills are traditionally slightly worn rather than crisp and new: this signals that the gift was prepared in mourning rather than in anticipation. The envelope is labelled with your name and, in many cases, the kanji 御霊前 (gorei-zen, "before the spirit").
Other welcomed gestures include flowers (particularly white chrysanthemums or white lilies), offerings to the Tenrikyo church (kyōkai), or simple, considerate help in the days surrounding the funeral. The family will customarily send a return gift known as kaeshi (usually around the 50-day rite) to thank those who gave kōden. There is no need to refuse this; accepting graciously is part of the cycle of mutual care.
Appropriate gifts
Gestures that tend to land well with Tenrikyo families.
- Kōden (condolence money) presented in a bushūgi-bukuro envelope, tied with black-and-white or silver-and-white cords, in an amount appropriate to your relationship.
- White flowers (chrysanthemums, lilies, or simple seasonal arrangements) sent to the family home or the Tenrikyo church. Keep arrangements modest in scale.
- An offering to the Tenrikyo church (kyōkai) where the family worships, in the name of the deceased. Speak quietly to the minister or family if you wish to do this.
- A short, sincere sympathy card. Keep the wording restrained and avoid Christian or Buddhist afterlife language.
- Practical help (bringing simple food, helping with childcare, or assisting with errands) in the days surrounding the funeral and the 10-day and 50-day rites.
- Attending the funeral itself, with quiet respect, is often the most meaningful gift you can offer.
What to avoid sending
Items and gestures that may not be welcome or appropriate.
- "I'll use a red envelope — they always look festive." — Never. Red-and-white or gold-and-white envelopes are for celebrations (weddings, births). At a funeral they are deeply inappropriate. Use the black-and-white or silver-and-white bushūgi-bukuro.
- "I'll go to the bank and get fresh, new notes." — Crisp, uncreased bills are traditionally used for celebrations, not condolences. Slightly used or gently creased notes are preferred for kōden, as a sign that the gift was prepared in mourning.
- "I'll bring a nice bottle of sake or a hamper of meat." — Lavish hampers, alcohol, and food gifts are not traditional sympathy gifts in Japan. Kōden is the expected form. Save food contributions for quiet practical help at the family home.
- "Bright flowers will cheer them up." — Bright reds, oranges, and yellows are inappropriate. Stick to white or very pale tones, and keep the arrangement modest.
- "I'll send Buddhist prayer beads or a Shinto charm." — These belong to other faiths. Tenrikyo is a distinct religion. Avoid gifts that carry the iconography of other Japanese religious traditions.
Frequently asked questions
How much kōden should I give?
As a rough guide: around 5,000 yen for a colleague or acquaintance, 10,000 yen for a friend, and 30,000 yen or more for a close relative. Amounts vary by region and relationship. Avoid the number 4 (associated with death) and 9 (associated with suffering) in the totals: so no 4,000 or 9,000 yen.
What envelope should I use for kōden?
Use a bushūgi-bukuro: a non-celebratory envelope tied with black-and-white or silver-and-white knotted cords. These are sold at stationery shops and convenience stores in Japan. Write your name on the front, and many people add the kanji 御霊前 (gorei-zen, "before the spirit"). Never use a red, gold, or coloured envelope.
Should the notes be new or used?
Slightly used or gently creased notes are traditional for kōden. Brand-new, crisp bills are reserved for happy occasions like weddings. If you only have new notes, fold them once before placing them in the envelope to soften them.
Will the family give me something in return?
Yes. The family will usually send a kaeshi (return gift) to those who gave kōden, typically around the 50-day rite. The kaeshi is normally about half the value of the kōden you gave, and often takes the form of tea, sweets, or a small household item. Accept graciously, refusing is not customary.
Can I just send flowers instead of kōden?
You can, but in Japan kōden is the expected core gesture. Flowers are usually offered in addition to kōden rather than instead of it. If you are far away or unable to attend the funeral, sending kōden by registered mail with a brief sympathy note is appropriate.
Last reviewed June 2026.
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