Jewish Sympathy Gift Etiquette
In Jewish tradition, the most valued forms of sympathy are practical and presence-based: food for the family during shiva, a charitable donation in the deceased's memory, and your own visit. Flowers are not customary.
Jewish sympathy gift etiquette
The three traditional forms of Jewish sympathy gift are food, donations, and presence. Flowers, common in many Christian traditions, are not part of Jewish funeral or mourning practice.
The reason: the body is buried in a plain coffin without adornment, and shiva is a time for sitting with grief rather than decorating around it. Food fed the family while they cannot easily cook or shop. Donations honoured the dead by extending their values into the world. Both traditions remain strong today.
If the family observes kashrut (kosher laws), food must also be kosher. If you are unsure, the simplest choice is to send catering from a kosher restaurant or deli, or to ask a Jewish friend of the family to help coordinate. Many delis offer dedicated "shiva platters" (bagels, cream cheese, fish, fruit, and cake) that arrive packaged and ready to serve.
For charitable donations, families often suggest specific organisations: synagogues, hospitals, Israel-based causes, or charities the deceased supported. If no suggestion is given, a donation to a Jewish charity, a hospital, or a cause the deceased cared about is appropriate. You can mention the gift in a card to the family.
Appropriate gifts
What to send, in rough order of welcome.
- A meal or food platter for the shiva house, kosher if the family observes kashrut. Bagels, cream cheese, fish, salads, fruit, and cake all keep well.
- A pre-made "shiva platter" from a kosher deli or caterer, scheduled to arrive during shiva.
- A charitable donation in the deceased's memory, mentioned to the family by card.
- A hand-written condolence card with "May their memory be a blessing."
- Practical help (childcare, dog-walking, school pickup) offered specifically, not vaguely.
- Your own presence at the shiva house. This is the single most valued sympathy gift.
What to avoid sending
Items that are unwelcome or out of step with Jewish tradition.
- Flowers. — Flowers are not customary at a Jewish funeral or shiva. They can feel out of place against the simplicity of the tradition. Food, donations, or your presence are far more welcome.
- Non-kosher food to a family that keeps kosher. — When in doubt, send sealed, certified-kosher packaged goods, or send catering directly from a kosher deli.
- Wine, spirits, or anything celebratory. — Shiva is not a celebration; the tone is one of comfort, not cheer.
- Sympathy items with crosses, "in heaven" framing, or other Christian-rooted imagery. — These can land wrong with a Jewish family.
- Gifts that draw attention to the giver. — The point is comfort for the family, not visibility for the giver.
Frequently asked questions
Why no flowers?
Jewish tradition emphasises simplicity in death and dignity for the deceased. The plain coffin, the absence of decoration around the body, and the focus on burial rather than display all flow from this. Flowers, which are common in many other traditions, do not fit that aesthetic. Food and donations are the traditional alternatives.
Do I need to bring kosher food?
It depends on the family. If they keep kosher, yes: bring only certified kosher food, or arrange a delivery from a kosher restaurant or deli. If they do not observe kashrut, regular food is fine. If you are unsure, ask, or default to sealed packaged kosher items, which are safe for any household.
How much should I donate?
There is no fixed amount. Give what feels right based on your closeness to the family and your means. Many Jewish charities accept small donations as well as large ones. A note to the family mentioning the donation (without specifying the amount) is appreciated.
When should I deliver food or visit?
Food can be sent on the day of the funeral or during the seven days of shiva that follow. Shiva visits are usually welcome any time during normal waking hours, though many families post specific shiva times, especially if a minyan (prayer service) is being held morning or evening. A short visit (15-30 minutes) is plenty.
What if the deceased was Jewish but the immediate family is not, or vice versa?
Follow the lead of whoever is hosting the shiva or service. If the family is observing Jewish mourning traditions, the etiquette in this guide applies. If they are not, the Jewish-specific elements (kosher food, no flowers) become optional rather than expected, but a card with "May their memory be a blessing" is always appropriate.
Last reviewed June 2026.
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